Shipper
by KingOfTheWeevils
Summary: Even the Enterprise needs some love once in a while. Slight crack!fic, but not really OOC. Rated T for mild curse words.


**Considering there is really not enough of the AMAZING crossover, I thought I'd contribute. It's an odd one, forgive me. **

**If I owned Chris Pine and David Tennant, I could think of better things to do with them than this. So no, nothing's mine.**

**Shipper**

The Tardis wasn't happy- that much, the Doctor knew. She had been grumbling all day.

"It's almost like she has flu or something..." he mused.

Rose, used to the Doctor's rambling, didn't look up from her magazine. She kept reading for another ten minutes, ignoring the Doctor's murmurings and questionably legal stroking of the Tardis's console. Eventually, she got up, going in search of a drink. Rose prayed the kitchen had been put somewhere near to the control room by the evidently crabby Tardis.

"Doctor, d'you want a drink or some-"

Rose was cut off by the Tardis, who threw both of them against the safety bars with a thump. The Doctor recovered first, and rushed to the screen.

"Oh, this is bad... this is very, very bad," he muttered, "This is a whole train load of bad."

Rose climbed up slowly, nursing her elbow. "Doctor? It feels like we've landed- I thought you said we weren't going anywhere soon, taking a break from near-death experiences, and all that?" She laughed nervously.

"I did."

The Tardis doors flew open with a bang.

"She'd like us to give her some alone time, please."

Rose had only ever seen that look of pure dread when the Time Lord was faced with an angry Jackie Tyler.

Knowing his companion have to would follow, he grabbed his coat and was roughly thrown out onto the floor of wherever it was that the Tardis had dumped them.

_(I'MADOCTOR,NOTAPAGEBREAK)_

Captain James T. Kirk didn't like to admit that he had once got lost on his own ship. Jim always fervently denied the story, claiming he had _meant_ to end up dangerously close to, and slightly stuck in, the garbage airlock. Rescued by a hysterically laughing McCoy, Jim had learned from the experience, and spent the subsequent months following Scotty around like a puppy, lapping up the engineer's knowledge of the _Enterprise_. Jim could now confidently say he knew his ship like the back of his hand.

Which was why it confused him that she was playing up so much lately- she was only just over two years old, after all. The replicators kept spraying the crew's faces with coffee, the doors wouldn't open on command, and Sulu and Chekov were repeatedly complaining of their respective computer screens bringing up the wrong information. It was only thanks to the Russian boy genius that the entire crew hadn't ended up in the centre of a Klingon battlefield. Apparently, Jim's ship was not feeling cooperative.

The latest malfunction was at Uhura's station. She claimed that there were un-intelligible transmissions coming from _within _the ship itself. Spock had been over the transmissions, and said that the Lieutenant was correct- but Jim knew this was impossible. He could not deny that his ship was an inanimate object, however much he loved her. He decided to do the mature thing, and bury his head in the sand. Any further problems, he said, unless deadly serious, were to be reported to Scotty, and not to him.

_(I'MADOCTOR,NOTAPAGEBREAK)_

The crew of the U.S.S. _Enterprise_ were bored, and none were more bored than Jim. He was currently engaged in an almighty chair spinning contest with himself. He wasn't winning. Irritated, and slightly nauseous, he turned his attentions to Chekov, who was building one of the biggest card towers Jim had ever seen. He was interrupted in his suggestions for names for the 5 foot pyramid by his pilot.

"Captain, you might want to see this."

Sulu, who had been building a rubber band bouncy ball for the past several hours, had dropped the object, narrowly avoiding the newly christened _Awesomeness_, and turned swiftly to his computer screen.

Spinning round to watch as the pilot projected the CCTV images, Jim fell off his chair. Remembering that this was not a particularly Captain-ly thing to do, he righted himself quickly.

A blue box had appeared on the Engineering deck. Before Jim could blink, a tall man in a long coat was thrown from the box, his mouth moving a-mile-a-minute. He was quickly followed by a blonde girl with a bemused expression on her face. She was clutching her right elbow.

"Get me a sound link, Uhura," Jim ordered.

"_WELL THANKS VERY MUCH, THEN! Don't tell me what's wrong, see if you can manage without me!" _The man was yelling, with some force, into the box._ "You see, Rose, the last time she did this was when Jack left, and therefore- entirely naturally- I am worried. I am not going to be responsible for another HORMONAL HISSY FIT!" _The last words were directed not at the girl, but at the box.

"Spock, go and find Commander Scott, and security, and bring the intruders back here," Jim, suddenly less bored, asked his First Officer; "I want to know what the hell is going on."

_(I'MADOCTOR,NOTAPAGEBREAK)_

"Hello! Sorry about the intrusion, but..."

Jim heard the man before he saw him. He was closely followed by Scotty, and Spock. The girl entered last.

Turning in his seat, he addressed them directly.

"Who are you and what the hell are you doing on board my ship?"

"And your ship is..." the man twirled around once, surveying the Bridge. When he reached a Spock, he paused. "No. No way. No! Oh wow, this is even better than the time with Dickens! I mean, you're here, you actually exist!"

The man came uncomfortably close to Jim, peering at him through glasses he had produced from his chest pocket.

"Doctor, remember what we said about social graces?" the girl said with a hint of sarcasm.

The man moved away suddenly, still staring at the dumbfounded captain and crew.

"Rose, may I introduce Captain James Tiberius Kirk, of the _USS Enterprise_.". The girl (Rose?) looked so shocked, Jim would have laughed. If he wasn't equally shocked himself.

"Bullshit." She said.

"Yes, I agree, bullshit, how do you know my name, and what the HELL are you doing here?" Jim shouted. "And how did you get on board? Scotty, did you beam them up?"

'Rose' let out a laugh, which she stifled almost immediately. "Sorry, private joke."

"Oh! Sorry, where are my manners, I'm the Doctor, this is Rose Tyler, and it's all the Tardis's fault."

"What do you mean; it's all the Tardis's fault- that's not even a proper word!" Bones, who had come to see what all the fuss was about, was clearly not happy.

"She's his ship, and she'll get very offended if you tell her that. After all, it stands for Time and Relative Dimension in Space, and they're all proper words." Rose retorted.

"Ships don't get offended. And you can't blame an inanimate object for hijacking a Federation ship," Sulu cut in.

"My one does." The Doctor turned to the pilot. "And I can blame her. In fact, that's exactly why we're here. She threw us off, something to do with 'alone time'. But that's not the POINT! Look at you all, just like they say." He looked at them each in turn. "Lieutenant Uhura, Commanders Spock, and Scott, Ensign Chekov, and Helmsman Sulu- AND Dr McCoy. I bet even Gaila's downstairs somewhere!"

He grinned at the crew. A throat was cleared.

"And, of course- James T. Kirk, son of George and Winona, war hero and youngest Starfleet captain in history. You're my favourite."

_(I'MADOCTOR,NOTAPAGEBREAK)_

"Captain, there's something strange happening in Engineering." Scotty sounded slightly bemused.

"Not now, I'm busy!" Jim shouted. He really hadn't a clue what to make of these new arrivals, but he was beginning to think they were harmless. He was more worried about their continuing references to the 'Tardis', as if the box were alive. The Doctor had assured him it was not going to get up and run away, 'not if she ever wanted to see Captain Harkness again'. Jim was thinking of asking McCoy to check if Rose and the Doctor were fully mentally healthy.

"Captain, you really should look at this."

Before Scotty could reach the Captain from where he stood, the ship around them started to vibrate.

"Sulu, have we gone to Warp?"

"Actually, Captain, we've been at Warp this whole time. Whatever's happening, it's nothing to do with me."

Almost immediately, the Doctor started hopping around the Bridge, clutching at his pocket.

"OW. Ow, ow, ow, ow OW!" He threw a small key from his pocket- it glowed so brightly only Spock could look at it directly.

"Sir, might I ask what that is?" he asked.

"That, my good Spock, is a Tardis key. A small part of the Tardis, fitted with a perception filter, but I've known my ship for 900 years, and I've never seen it do that." The Doctor replied.

The CCTV, which was still on the screen, showed the Tardis fading in and out of vision, but never fully de-materialising.

"Well, that's weird," the Doctor commented, "It's some sort of rhythm, and it's the same one coursing through... oh. Oh! Um, Captain, your ship never entered the Phoenix Delta program, did it?"

"Not that I am aware of."

"Jim, I'm afraid it is. Admiral Pike requested that it be fitted upon his resignation. He thought you'd 'like it for when you got bored.'" Scotty piped up. Jim didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"Well, Captain, looks like you better become 'aware'. Because it would appear that it's gone into the first stages... with my ship," announced the Doctor. Rose knew that grin- that grin never meant good news.

Jim swore in several languages that Bones knew he shouldn't have taught him.

When the Doctor saw the many confused faces around him, all except Jim, Spock, and Scotty, he began to explain. "You see, the Phoenix Delta program was a hybrid technique thought of by a friend of mine- I thought he got rid of it, it was always a bloody silly idea- whereby ships are fitted with... um, consciences, of sorts."

"That explains the transmissions!" cried Uhura. "The ship was actually thinking?"

"Exactly," replied the Time Lord, "It was designed so the ships could show the builders how to make improvements. To do this, they are brought into contact with other ships that have also been given these consciences, and the architects observe whether the two are... compatible. If they are, then the builders know that if they use different plans from each... partner ship... they could create a better ship from the two in the future... much like the human art of selective breeding."

Chekov's card pyramid collapsed.

"Are you suggesting that the Enterprise is, er, 'breeding' with you ship, Sir?"

"In short, yes. But you see, my Tardis is _actually_ alive, and can actually reproduce. Also, if I try and stop her, she may... Have any of you ever tried to stop a woman getting what she wants?" The Doctor looked at the men of the ship, ignoring the scowls from Rose and Lt. Uhura.

The vibrations got louder and stronger, and the Tardis could be heard screeching, all the way from Engineering.

Scotty was the first to speak- "So you'll be here for a while then?"

_(I'MADOCTOR,NOTAPAGEBREAK)_

The next day, the Doctor had been allowed back on board the Tardis. She had calmed down somewhat, even enough for him to retrieve the small piece of coral nestling in the console.

Well, it looked like a small piece of coral.

"Oh, almost forgot!" The Doctor leaned out of the de-materialising doors, holding the pink object. "Before we go, Captain Kirk, the Tardis wants to know if you'll be the godfather."


End file.
